and on it goes...

passing sincerities

2010-05-02T11:22:00.000-07:00

As a cashier, I have the opportunity to cross paths with hundreds of people a day. Most of these interactions are quick and not memorable, but every once and a while I am given a quick personal glimpse into one of my customer's lives. This week, I was privileged with such a glimpse. A woman came through with tears in her eyes and as I greeted her she started apologizing for her emotion. "I'm sorry to cry in front of you, but I was just reminded of my husband. He died 8 years ago, but I adored him." Tears began to fall with greeter freedom as I stopped checking out her groceries and leaned forward to hear more. She continued, "I just spoke with a young woman who has just met a man. They are falling in love...she was picking out wine and cheese to take to him on a picnic. That's the kind of thing my husband would have loved." Tears continued..."It's been eight years, but I miss him so much. I have such wonderful memories." I was at a loss for words, but stammered, "It sounds like you had a remarkable relationship...how wonderful to have loved so deeply." By this time her grocery bags were packed, bill paid and she was moving towards the door but she turned one last time and smiled at me through thick tears, "I loved him so much. It's a shame I'm such an ugly crier." I laughed and thanked her for sharing, realizing that every person coming through my line is drenched in personal stories, yet it is rare that we let our guard down enough to share. This woman, though a complete stranger, let me into to her story, loss and grief. In that brief interaction I got to celebrate a rich love, grieve a deep loss and be encouraged by a rich marriage. How much more life is there to be lived if we took the opportunity to invite people into our stories, even strangers. I hope to love like this woman loved, and live in her sincerity, so to bring people into the depths of my life, even in quick, passing interactions.

Redemption in Grief

2010-02-16T18:05:00.000-08:00

Good news! I'm learning things in seminary! Yipee! I don't know if I'm learning what I'm "supposed" to be learning...but I'm learning things nonetheless...

One of these boldest lessons came from my Intro to Counseling class last Thursday. The class was on grief, and it was pretty raw. As the professor spoke and classmates shared, I could sense all of my past griefs wanting to come out and say hello. My parent's divorce, the death of friends, friendships torn, family relationships changing, romantic hopes broken, health scares, bands breaking up...all things I have had to seriously grieve in their turn over the years. Each of these things took months to years of emotional energy, counseling and processing to work through and accept. But I realized through this lecture that there is a great gift in grief. Granted, this can only be claimed in retrospect--so don't any one dare tell someone who's grieving that it's a gift--that would be really stupid. But as I look back on these parts of my story, I can see how much I was changed, edified and made alive through each of these painful processes.

One author puts it this way. "I am convinced that most of us, most of the time, live in an anesthetized state. Our bodies may be functioning, but we feel nothing and are aware of nothing of great importance. We suffer from what someone has called 'the anesthesia of the familiar.' To grieve deeply and openly brings us into the recovery of life, where the anesthesia wears off and we see and feel and taste and touch life for the first time. It is the greatest paradox of life that we can truly come alive only after the arrows of death have pierced our hearts. The things I once took for granted, or passed without notice, are now the most immeasurable of treasures...If we have ears to hear, we discover that the cries of grief are at the same time the birth pangs of faith"

Through my limited experience, I find this to be true. My life has not been as hard as many, but I have grieved many things over the years, and I know it changed me. For better and worse grief makes you alive to things you had never before experienced, and it transforms you. There is a seasoning to a person that has been through a great loss that can not be mimicked. Character comes out of loss, pain and grief. It is absurdly painful, but it is these moments that make us the people we are.

Somehow I walked away from this lecture thankful for the grief I've experienced. This is not to say I am thankful my parents got divorced or that I had experienced broken relationships, but I am thankful for how those experiences have crucially changed me. Through these events I have been matured and given a perspective that can only be learned by experience. I am thankful that there is this much redemption in tragic loss. With time, joy replaces grief, and I think I will only fully understand that when I see Jesus face to face. But I do know I love now more deeply than I did before. I am more focused and balanced. I know myself better. I have a better capacity to care for others. I am more joyful. I can empathize with those who are experiencing great loss. Somehow grieving brought these changes in me, and I am thankful.

More than anything, I am ridiculously thankful for the perspective to be able to say that.

500 Days of Summer

2010-02-07T14:42:00.000-08:00

I saw this movie recently, and for some reason it is sticking with me a long time. I loved it, cinematically, artistically and musically (great soundtrack) but something about it makes me uncomfortable. As I am passively watching it for a second time, I think it's because it is too real. Both of the main characters hit close to my heart, and it makes me want to hide my head in a pillow. I am much more comfortable watching a pointless, fluffy chick flick that I am something that challenges me at the core of my being. Shoot, why can't I just stay shallow?? Oh well.

For those of you who haven't seen it, 500 Days of Summer is a story about boy meets girl, but isn't a love story (I stole that from the opening line, don't tell...). A young romantic man is looking for love to make him happy, answer all his problems, seal his life dreams and make him feel alive (what girl can not identify with these sentiments?). He meets a young independent woman who does not believe in love, but has a vivacious take on life that is both compelling and attractive. As their relationships unfolds, the woman begins to believe in the reality of love (but not with this young man), while the man falls completely and hopelessly in love with this woman. It is not your typical ending, and to the romantic watcher (like me...) it leaves you with a sharp stab from reality. We don't always get what we want. What we hope for is not always what unfolds in reality, but often our view of what we want is limited by what we can see. I am becoming more and more convinced that what we see (and consequently think we want) is just a hint of what we desire. I have had so many friends who, once they met their spouse, said something along the lines of "I didn't even know to hope for this in a person, he/she is so much more that what I thought I wanted." So it seems we are often surprised when love finds us and our expectations are blown out of the water. The man in this movie wants the girl, and though that desire is painfully unfulfilled, better, unseen options are waiting to be found. The girl in this movie (though she is admittedly the one that I was angry with at the end), seems to have the better perspective and is able to say "no" to something that is good but not best. All this left me with the following smattering of unrelated thoughts:

Relationships are hard, especially the ones that don't end well.

Any interaction between two people is almost always interpreted two different (and sometimes opposite) ways.

Through the lens of infatuation our expectations can become completely and totally wacked (there is a great scene in the movie depicting this.)

Love is very real, but often comes from the most unexpected, unforeseen places.

Many people and relationships serve as learning ground as we are on the road to finding love. Without the relationship in this movie, the woman would never have come to believe in love, but through the relationship, the man's heart was demolished. Was it in vain? Not at all. Lessons learned, lives changed and love eventually increased, but not without the pain of loss. We are all integrally involved in one another's growth, development and walk towards love and sometimes we get hurt in the process, but it is not in vain. To say it from another perspective, we are all learning how to love, exploring our horizons of possibilities and gleaning lessons from those around us. Every relationship offers us a new, unique perspective, and we are most benefited when we are willing and open to receive these lessons.

Heading East!

2010-01-14T22:23:00.000-08:00

This post is so over due it's ridiculous! I've traveled from Alaska to Spokane to Nor Cal to LA to London to LA and back and forth to Nor Cal a few more times. The past two months have been full, rich and wonderful. I loved being in Spokane and visiting friends who have become family. Time in Nor Cal is always fabulous and too short. London was amazing in so many ways. Finally, I am really glad I decided to stay in LA for November and December. It was a great time for me to reconnect with friends from high school, play music, enjoy sunshine, be with family for the holidays and work at Whole Foods. There were definitely moments of loneliness and I greatly miss being in community, but all in all it was a fantastic season. I am really thankful that Katie and Scott were "near" by and that I got to see them several times. They are wonderful and I will miss them a lot.

I took up a hobby while here in LA. Running. This is as much of a surprise to me as it might be to any of you, but it has be great! My mom has a group of running buddies that took me in and step by step I became a runner. WEIRD! In fact, I became enough of a runner that I am entered in a 1/2 Marathon. Weirder STILL! The race is this Sunday, and I am really excited! I am feeling relatively strong, ran 12 miles last week, and am ready to give it a go! The first time out, I am just going to be stoked to finish, so let's just hope I cross that finish line!

So yes! I am running the Phoenix 1/2 marathon...On my way to St Louis! Yup, you read right. My car is currently packed, loaded and ready to drive east to good ole St Louis. I have been admitted to Covenant Seminary and am starting this semester on a Masters and Religion and Culture. All the stories around this move are phenomenal. I originally applied in November, just to test the waters and see what was possible. From there, God swung the doors wide open. There were obstacles, and they were all surmounted. There was doubt, and God firmly calmed it. There was (and is) financial need, and God continues to provide every penny. I have never walked into a life change with this much confidence and assurance of His leading. Sometimes I laugh out loud when I think about how quickly this all happened. So much has changed over the last year, and God has brought me SO far. I am excited for this next step and can't wait to see what it all looks like!

Pray for safe running and driving. I'm driving from Phoenix to St Louis alone, and am hoping for good driving conditions.

If any of your journeys bring you to St Louis, please drop me a line! I'd love to see you!

more pictures

2009-07-26T23:43:00.000-07:00

me?! have too many pictures?! no way!

but, really, isn't that the reason why most of us keep track of blogs anyway? the pictures make the post!! :)

on the train!

beautiful lake bennett!

wonderful friends...

pablo on his lunch break

paul's place of work! the white pass train.

paul and dani!

dani and i hiked to spergle or sturgil or spankle or something landing. it was fantastic!

On a completely different note, we leave tomorrow at 5am for our two week tour to Anchorage! It should be a blast! My sister is coming up for our first show, and I can hardly wait to see her! I am so excited to see the interior of Alaska and get some time away from the daily grind. It should be a phenomenal couple of weeks.

dani! birthday! decisions!

2009-07-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

The best way to describe this past week would be...bi-polar.
This week held some of the best moments of the summer, hand in hand with some of the worst.

On the high end, my good friend Dani came to visit me! Dani has been a close friend since Whitworth days, and always been one of the most intentional people in my life. To this day she is one of the only college friends who came down to LA to visit my family, and now is one of the only people who will make the million-dollar investment in a vacation to Juneau.

It was so good to have her here. We went on a good hike, ate some AMAZING blackened salmon, and had wonderful conversations. She got to see a One Aisle Over show and even went on a bike tour! Over the weekend we traveled to Skagway to visit Paul. The weekend included a wonderful hike, meeting many of Paul's friends, playing Settlers of Catan over red wine and chocolate, a 10 hour ride on the train, playing music, birthday dinner and birthday pancakes! All in all, not too shabby! I have heard so much about Skagway over the years from Paul, Lindsey and others that I was thrilled to put places and faces with stories and names. Skagway is a wonderfully charming city, and I FINALLY understand how it has captivated some of my close friends for several years.

For my birthday I woke up to my 27th year in Skagway! It was good to start the day with Dani and Paul. The rest of the day was not exactly fantastic, but it went on. It just happened that some mis-communications with the band came to a head on this day, and I spent a good chunk of the b-day in tears.

There is a bit of confusion right now as to how long my commitment will last with the band. They desire (and deserve) members of the band who are willing and able to give more than I am currently able to give, and this leaves us at a tense point. They want me to commit to the group for the long term, and a LOT of me wants to do this. But I get insecure about the future and the long haul. Do I want to commit to performing with this group for the next several years? Is that my heart for life? What about school? What about counseling? What about family? What about missions? How do these things fall into line with trying to play music full time? Is this a left turn from the Lord or a refining moment that might cause me to pursue my original plan with greater zeal? These and more questions all play a role in complicating my decision. On top of this, relationships in the band have been at times strained, which makes me less inclined to stay long term in Juneau. All this and more came to a head on my birthday and several hard conversations later, I was ready to walk away from the band. But I had a good conversation with a band mate that made me willing to give it more time. He pointed out that all our relationships are intensified because we all live together and recommended I find a new place to live. He also took off some of the commitment pressure, stating that he realizes it's a big decision and wants me to take the time to really let the decision be true, rather than throwing away something that could be wonderful. I really respect this perspective, and am holding off on making any big decisions for a while. In the meantime, however, we had a FANTASTIC show this weekend, which made me fall for the band all over again. This was our biggest show of the year. We performed for a LISTENING audience of about 200 people and had a LOT of fun! This was a fund raising concert to put money towards our recording project in October, and it went really well. We played well and had a fantastic response. It was especially exciting for me because I had fun! I have been so tired and burnt out that playing has been laborious for me, but this show was a blast and brought back a lot of the joy that had been lacking. It was unspeakably refreshing to enjoy playing, music and my band mates again.

I think it was the dose of enjoyment I needed to keep pressing on. When it comes down to it, I really like these people and this music. Maybe this is a short term gig, but maybe this is just the first trial in a very good long term relationship. Everyone has always likened the commitment to this band like a marriage, and I find it fitting. The dating process is great, but filled with many bumps in the road and questions before one is ready to commit. I need to give this group that same grace and allow all of us to learn through these "bumps" in the road. Who knows where this all will go, but I don't want to throw away what could be a huge gift from Jesus. :) We'll see.

OODLES!

2009-07-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

So, so, so, so, so much has happened since I last blogged. This summer is honestly turning into a whirlwind. Long work days, rehearsal, gigs and the occasional tid-bit of social life is leaving me a bit tired and worn. The up-side is I love everything I am doing, but I am running ragged. I guess one could say this last chunk of time has been a crash course in real life after the honeymoon period in Juneau. It's not that it's bad, it's just that the initial excitement of living in a new, beautiful place and doing all new things is wearing off. I've been lonely. I've missed my friends. I've had a desire for someone to know and appreciate my heart and passions. I want this place to feel like home, but it isn't yet--and nor could it be. I've only been here three months and haven't had time to develop many relationships outside of the band and work. Thankfully, I really like my band mates and co-workers, but I still long for the heartfelt communion of those who know you well and appreciate the small things in you. I realize this is a natural part of all transitions, so I'm not jumping ship or rotting away in despair--just acknowledging the natural absence of these things. All reading this must know: I am a very relational person and thrive off of deep conversation and transparent relationships. Life gets to be a bit drudgy when those aren't around...but I have confidence they will grow with time. It has been a good time of communion with the Lord around these things. He has reminded me that He is the one who can know me most intimately, better than I know myself. When my heart longs to be understood, He has been gracious to remind me to come to Him first. When I am lonely, He has been good to turn me to prayer so that I remember the constant communion available in Him. When I struggle with being single (big surprise, right?) He has reminded me of His sovereignty over my life, my heart and the future. When I struggle with relationships at home or at work, He reminds me to die to myself and serve those around me in love. All these things have a been huge lessons in His character and heart for my life. Every time I feel myself wanting to complain, the Holy Spirit reminds me of Jesus's life and how He felt lonely, misunderstood, used, unappreciated and abandoned far more than I ever could. Oh, to know Him and the power of His Resurrection, and may share in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death. This is not an easy calling, but it is the road of those who choose to follow. And not that it is shy of joy! In each of these areas He has brought much joy indeed. I am thankful that He has been so quick and clear to convict and show me how I can be more like Him. Goodness knows, I fail daily, but I thankful for the transforming work that is taking place.

I had a conversation with a friend last weekend that has stuck with me. We talked about the call to take scripture seriously and be willing to lead the radical life that it calls for. Those who have known me since my college days know that I once was SUPER crazy towards this direction, but now I approach it with a more balanced and earnest heart. I want to lead the kind of life that is truly transformed by what I read in scripture. I want to live a simple life that is full passion, love and sacrifice. When I was in Ethiopia, the thing that struck me most was how powerfully believers there believed and lived by scripture. If it was in the Bible, they believed it as Truth. We tend to explain things away with our "knowledge" and "cultural ways of thinking." Dang it, it is such a cop out. I don't want to be a fundamentalist Bible-thumper, but I do want to be a person who lives radically after the Truth I believe. I don't know what all that looks like, but it has been a good thing to ponder for a while. How easy it is to settle into complacency and forget that this world is not our home. How easy it is to want to fit in with those around us and to let go of the conviction that grips our heart. I know this complacency because I live there far too often, but I don't want to settle there. This Sunday's sermon was on Calvin and it stuck with me that Calvin only lived to be 55 years old. He only lived 29 years more than I, yet his life completely changed history. Our lives don't have to be that public or propel such historical change, but would they all be that filled with passion that God's glory can be seen boldly in them even if we don't live long on this earth.

The following song has been blasting on my ipod for the past couple weeks and I want to share the lyrics with you...

Lord, He thunders from heaven
and His voice can stop this world
He created the day and night
still He knit together this little girl

Oh, you could sing us a new song,
Oh, you could stand up and say
"Hallelujah! He loved me today!"

He gathers the sea to jars
and He calls the stars by name
clothes the flowers in every field
still He loves me just the same

Oh, you could sing us a new song!
Oh, you could stand up and say,
"Hallelujah! He loved me today!"

The earth trembles and mountains shake
and the wind can blow so strong
All of creation waits for the day
When you call Your children home

Oh, you could sing us a new song!
Oh, you could stand up and say
Hallelujah!! He loved me today!"

On a completely different note, these weeks have been great and busy. We have played SO many gigs and they have all gone really well. People in the community are really looking at us like we are about to take off. I have no idea what will come of this in the future, but it is pretty fun nonetheless. In an effort not to take up more of your precious reading time, I am going to resort to a bullet list to fill you in on all the things I have done in the past month. I love you all, thanks for reading.

*paul came to Juneau about a month ago--had a great, refreshing weekend with him--went on a great hike
*played a lot of gigs
*dad came to Juneau, went on good hikes, ate great food, went on a boat ride to Tracy Arm, went Halibut fishing with my friend Carl
*played a gig at Chapel By the Lake where people actually sat and listened to us (as apposed to being drunk and crashing into us...)
*4th of July was a party! Stayed at a HUGE house on Douglas island with a bunch of friends, watched the fireworks over the Gastineau Chanel, played three gigs over the course of the weekend and led worship Sunday AM, followed by a great boat ride where we plucked crabs and shrimps out of the sea to eat for dinner and jumped into the ocean to cool down (YES, the Alaskan ocean)
*This weekend had another gig (no way!) went to the end of a cheap wine party and dog-sat for a spastic chocolate lab who has more testosterone than any animal I have ever met. Finished up the weekend with a great game of ultimate with some campus crusade folks.

Haines Brew Fest

2009-06-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

Several weeks ago, One Aisle Over traveled up the Gastinaeu Channel to Haines, AK. We played at the Annual Haines Brew Fest, and boy, did we have a good time. We took a long weekend (Friday-Monday), played the Brew Fest on Saturday and took the rest of the weekend to bop around Haines and see some beautiful country. The Ferry ride itself was phenominal (see pictures below) and Haines is a georgeous little town. We stayed at Ron Horn's home (the Presbyterian pastor in Haines) and he was a gracious host.

The Brewfest itself was wonderulf. We were the main band, playing for 750 people who were in attendence. We received some really great feedback and sold several CD's...all in all it was very encouraging. We played a few other times through the weekend: once in front of a great coffee shop with amazing scones (see picture below) and once on the return trip on the Ferry. For both of these little sessions we put out my violin case as an after thought, but ended up making over $100! It was a great little surprise and again, very encouraging.

While staying with Ron Horn, I learned a lot about photography. He is a wonderful wildlife photographer and took me under his wing, teaching me how to use my camera and tempting me with amazing lenses. One morning he, Chris and I got up early to go look for wildlife to photograph. Our first sighting was a beautiful cinnamon colored black bear, and I was so excited to see it I forgot I was the one holding the camera. Oops. Didn't catch that shot, to say the least. But we did see a moose, swan and swallow (see below) :).

one aisle over

2009-05-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

It's been two weeks since my last post, and life has been BUSY. It is starting to be normal for me to work 10 hour days, bike a half-hour-trek home, attend a three hour rehearsal and perform into the LATE (early morning) nights on the weekends. Suffice it to say that my body has been uber tired. A lot of biking and not so much sleep equals one exhausted Sarah. I am looking forward to the day I am able to stay up past 9:30 and function like a human being. For the past week, I got home, ate dinner, heated up my husbands (rice bags, for those of you who have not witnessed this long standing routine) and hit the sack. But despite this lack of social life, I have loved it. I continue to be encouraged at work and playing music with One Aisle Over. This band is full of people who love music and the opportunity it provides to take hope into dark places. I find their music creative, refreshing and well performed--and I LOVE being a part of it. More and more it is becoming something in which I can take ownership. This coming weekend, we are traveling by Ferry to Haines to play in the annual Brew Fest. I have heard wonderful things about Haines so far, and am excited to see it with my own two eyes.

Tonight I went with two friends to a concert featuring Gilles Apap, an impressive (though somewhat odd) violinist. I was excited by his performance, and reminded of my love of classical music. I have recently been putting some thought into pursuing violin again classically, and this performance may have pushed me over the edge. I am a bit intimidated by the work it would take to get my classical chops back, but at the same time I am ready and willing to take on the challenge. We'll see how this all unfolds, but at the moment I am encouraged at the prospect.

Other than that I don't have much to report. There are some pictures of the band below. One is from our recent photo shoot and others were taken at a gig last week. Hope you enjoy.

friday in a canoe

2009-05-01T18:57:00.000-07:00

So far, this Juneau experience has not been normal. I have only seen one day of rain since I arrived almost two weeks ago, and tonight temperatures are reaching 70 degrees. It has been phenomenal.
Today Naomi and I went canoeing in the ocean--right next to the boat in this picture. It was amazing. Sunshine, warmth, mountains, ocean, good friend. It honestly doesn't get much better.

This week has been wonderful. Work is kicking in a bit more. I went on my first bicycle tour as a rear guide (meaning I just ride and follow up the end of the group since I don't yet know enough about Juneau to be very interesting). I have been tired this week, but I have to think that biking 12 miles a day just in commuting, plus whatever I do on a tour has something to do with that. I was the poor, sorry victim of three flat tires this week (yes, please feel sorry for me and offer me your sympathy). You'd think I ride through glass on purpose or something. By the third one I was a tad frustrated and feeling ridonkulous. But I learned how to change a tire like a pro and am hoping for the best for this coming week.

I am going to take a few posts to introduce you to all my room/house/duplex-mates, but I thought I'd start with the hairiest first...Triton...the Newfoundland. This dog is the best dog ever (third only to Jessie Owens and Grace Elizabeth, Collish). He is 9 months old and 90 pounds (at least) and could still double in size. He is playful,
beautiful, loves eating sticks and drooling on everything. He is so adorable and loving, I might need to be a newfy-lover from here on out. The best thing is, he likes cuddling with people. In the evening, it is not out of the ordinary to find one of the housemates on the floor snuggling with the dog. I have watched a lot of dogs in my day--and this is a rare previledge. This dog loves his people. I am now "aunt sarah" a third time...to Calland, Johann and now Triton. :) It's a role I am more than willing to assume.

the past two weeks...

2009-04-26T22:11:00.001-07:00

The past three weeks have been a crazy whirlwind. On Saturday April 4th, I loaded all of my worldly belongings (minus my dresser) into my Subaru Forester and began my journey south. Lindsey, Joe and Jen helped me drag box after box out of the basement. In the end, boxes were abandoned, and Lindsey started loading random loose articles in every empty space. You could see shoes, books, bags, etc backed to the brim through all the windows. It really was a sight to behold. After a great breakfast of pancakes and turkey burgers, I said my one of my hardest goodbyes--to the Farleys. This trio has been my family for the past few months. I will miss their companionship and laughter. They truly are the best three people in the world to come home to. I hardly know how to entertain myself without Calland around to make me laugh.

On the road out of Spokane, the first song to shuffle through on the trusty ipod sang "Praise to the Lord, Who o'er all things so wondrously reigneth. Shelters thee under His wings, yea so gently sustaineth. Hast Thou not seen how thy desires e'er have been Granted in what He ordaineth?" What a perfect theme to proclaim this changing season. It has been a long few years of waiting for the right next step...and it has finally come.

The first leg of my journey lead me to Portland for several days. There I caught up with several good friends: Kacy, Mackenzie, Victoria, Betsy, and Dani. It was wonderful to see these women again. Kacy and I went on a long hike Monday AM and then stopped by a day spa for a little pampering. Over the course of these days, I was reminded of the richness of my time in Portland and the relationships I built there. Though it was a hard time of life, I have come to value the changing work Lord did while I was there.

Tuesday I drove a long 11 hours to Stockton, where I finally got to see my Peter and Paola and their new house. I spent several a few good days with them, and a day with Chris, Kirsten and Johann. I hadn't seen Johann since he was very small, and it was so great to see him walking around and babbling baby-babble. We went to "the Jungle" where he could walk around and play on all sorts of super toys. Chris bought him a ride on a dinosaur, and we had a great time. A couple days later Peter, Paola and I spent a day at Santa Cruz, which really was a treat. The sun was marvelous and the company hard to beat. We had a series of dinners because we couldn't decide what to eat. I highly recommend eating a sushi appetizer followed by Pizza my Heart. A winning combination. I spent Easter morning at Peter & Paola's church where Peter and I lead worship for the servant's service. Once again I was blown away by my brother's talent and heart for ministry. There are some people for whom leading worship just comes naturally, and he is one of them. He is so sincere as he leads--it really encourages me.

Next, I headed south to make a visit in a LA. I saw my mom, dad, good high school friends Emilee and Cindy and Katie and Scott Lyon. I spent my mandatory time on the beach with mom and went to the show my dad is musically directing. On Friday I headed back North, went to a Hockey game with P&P and went to Johann's 1st b-day party!! Sunday morning I played music with Chris at his church, which was also a blessing. He, too, has a natural gift in leading worship and a great heart for people. I love playing with him.

After a frantic-post-church scramble, I arrived at the airport with my HUGE pack, guitar, violin and carry-on bag. My pack miraculously weighed in at a bashful 49.1 pounds, narrowly missing the heavy-weight fee. Two flights and several hours later I landed in my new home, Juneau, AK!! New housemates Naomi, her husband Jason and friend Chris met me at the gate with warm hugs. I had met Naomi at Anna & Spice's wedding last September where we played music together. When she wrote a few months later to see if I would consider coming to Juneau to play with her band, I decided to take a chance. Now, here I am, in the Last Frontier, and loving it. All the band members, minus the drummer, live in a duplex together: Josh and his wife Kara on one side, Jason, Naomi, Chris and I on the other. It is wonderful living in community with these people. From the first day they were easy to be around and it all started to feel like home.

Juneau is a beautiful city. Every time we leave the house, I can't control myself--I just stare the majestic mountains and ocean. Our house is a few blocks away from the picture below, so I get to see these mountains every morning noon and night. The weather this week has been phenomenal--sunny days and a balmy 45 degrees (which is warm enough to get people outside sitting in lawn chairs).

I have nothing but the hightest of expectations for this summer. My job so far has been wonderful, my house-mates better than I could've asked for, and the music super-great. The band I'm playing with is called One Aisle Over http://www.oneaisleover.com/Home.html. Josh and Naomi write and sing the music, and both of them are talented musicians. They both bring a unique, creative style with their music that I really enjoy. Thankfully, my violining fits well with their music and they really like my style. We had our first gig last night and despite some sound difficulties it went really well. It was fun to see my new friends in performance-mode and see how people respond to their music. I am excited to play with this group and see where the summer takes us.

For me, this summer is the cummulation of many things. The Lord has been refining my understanding of my self and teaching me to follow my dreams despite what others may think. Last fall, I was struggling deeply with where I was in life--wanting desperatly to go on an adventure or do something I was passionate about. I remember crying with my mom on the phone, longing for direction and purpose in life. Little did I know that I was in a holding pattern, not for spite, but for grace. It was in that holding pattern that the Lord could best provide for me medically with my surgery and relationally with my community in Spokane. But once those things had been taken care of, God flung wide the doors to the very things I had longed for. Music. Adventure. A non-office-job. A great new community. Beautiful surroundings. All in this Juneau package that I never could have forseen. Indeed, all my desires have been granted in what He ordaineth.

another try at blogging

2009-03-15T01:00:00.000-07:00

let's try this again. i am going to try to document my upcoming adventures on this little "blog". we'll see...i am not known for my consistency, but it could be a great thing. and the fact that i am having a hard time understanding how to create a cool layout (skin, if you will) is super encouraging.

i just bought my ticket for juneau, leaving from oakland on april 19th! it's really official! crazy. it will be a great adventure, and i am excited to get going.

freedom

2008-09-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

of course i would pick tonight to revisit blogging...when i have three chapters of counseling textbook to read. i haven't written on this thing for over a year, and tonight i am compelled. this is NOT called procrastination--no sir.

this summer has been a whirl. i have played in, attended and stood up in so many weddings, i could honestly start my own wedding business. for the cost of friendship i can do your make up, style your hair, play all the music and be your maid of honor! one stop shopping! they have all been so wonderful, but i recently hit my max. i guess a single girl can only handle so many happy endings while hers remains unresolved. i am so happy for my friends, but they have entered into a stage of life in which i can not relate. i don't know how to talk about marital trials or sexual hold ups. ?? NO idea! talk with me about searching for identity or questioning your future, and i am right there!

this ushers in the big issues on my mind--who, what where and when am i?? last weekend all these things hit with great force, and i broke down. the uncertainty was maddening--and the pain of being alone unmanageable. the Lord brought in about 10 people to talk to over the course of 2 days, and each conversation was incredibly helpful. it wasn't until i talked with my good friend lindsey late saturday evening that the core was revealed. i was not content--and i was still angry at God for some past heartaches--so i was not able to trust Him. I could feel Him pushing at my heart saying "precious, be satisfied in what I have for you now, don't you know how I love you?", and yet i became frantic and continuously looking for a way out. "if i could just get away for a few months, things would make sense in the end. i just need a 'self-discovery' adventure, that's all" or "all i need to do is move to ____, and I will be happy". in His mercy he presented me with the devastating Truth-my peace will not be found in a location--it has to be made with Him--with Him in honesty, brokenness, humility, trust and restoration. when it's written out here in works-any bozo can see that believing anything else is foolishness, but where it has been living in my head for the past few years, it has been extremely convincing. who out there knows how hard it is too look at believers who love you and say, "no, i have not been praying for the past few years." or "no, i am not doing devotionals" or, "it is really hard for me to believe in God's goodness right now."? It is so good to be honest, but it heart wrenching-because those who know you best are pained by your actions. Thank you Jesus for last weekend and so many good friends being able to see me as I am--and lovingly point me in a better direction. Thank you that you revealed my sin--and brought freedom far before I was deserving of it. Thank you that that is the way you love me--not the way I love you that is full of indecision and flightiness--but with steadfast abandonment and selfless pursuit. Thank you that the nature of grace is that I will always be unworthy, and yet you want me back before I come. Please, give me grace to love You more.

war...

2007-05-13T21:58:00.000-07:00

it is very evident in my life that everything God intends for good, the devil uses as an open door for evil. a good conversation, a moment of clear conviction, food, weight loss, music, a walk. if there is a time when God breaks through clearly, and i have no question about what i am supposed to do to honor Him, there is a good chance the devil will step in with small attacks of apathy, discouragement, self assurance, fellings of failure or other such nonesence. the problem is, i don't know how to prevent it. when God bring clear conviction to read scripture daily, and yet the next morning i wake up late and don't sit down all day, how do i respond? try again the next day? what happens when all those next-days turn into 3 weeks of slowly slipping into disobedience, and you hardly know how you got there? i don't want to make excuses, but i do want to figure out how to manage this situation without hating myself--for this is the devil's other huge tactic for me. tell me i failed, and i will crumble. tell me i am a disappointment, and i will crawl under a rock. tell me it is worthless to try again, because the same failure is sure, i stop caring. Jesus, please break this pattern. never let my sin be enough to keep you from convicting me--and in fact, bring it with greater strength. i hate this hardness of heart that comes after i have not responded for too long. please break these lies and tell me again of Your love for me.