The best way to describe this past week would be...bi-polar.
This week held some of the best moments of the summer, hand in hand with some of the worst.
On the high end, my good friend Dani came to visit me! Dani has been a close friend since Whitworth days, and always been one of the most intentional people in my life. To this day she is one of the only college friends who came down to LA to visit my family, and now is one of the only people who will make the million-dollar investment in a vacation to Juneau.
It was so good to have her here. We went on a good hike, ate some AMAZING blackened salmon, and had wonderful conversations. She got to see a One Aisle Over show and even went on a bike tour! Over the weekend we traveled to Skagway to visit Paul. The weekend included a wonderful hike, meeting many of Paul's friends, playing Settlers of Catan over red wine and chocolate, a 10 hour ride on the train, playing music, birthday dinner and birthday pancakes! All in all, not too shabby! I have heard so much about Skagway over the years from Paul, Lindsey and others that I was thrilled to put places and faces with stories and names. Skagway is a wonderfully charming city, and I FINALLY understand how it has captivated some of my close friends for several years.
For my birthday I woke up to my 27th year in Skagway! It was good to start the day with Dani and Paul. The rest of the day was not exactly fantastic, but it went on. It just happened that some mis-communications with the band came to a head on this day, and I spent a good chunk of the b-day in tears.
There is a bit of confusion right now as to how long my commitment will last with the band. They desire (and deserve) members of the band who are willing and able to give more than I am currently able to give, and this leaves us at a tense point. They want me to commit to the group for the long term, and a LOT of me wants to do this. But I get insecure about the future and the long haul. Do I want to commit to performing with this group for the next several years? Is that my heart for life? What about school? What about counseling? What about family? What about missions? How do these things fall into line with trying to play music full time? Is this a left turn from the Lord or a refining moment that might cause me to pursue my original plan with greater zeal? These and more questions all play a role in complicating my decision. On top of this, relationships in the band have been at times strained, which makes me less inclined to stay long term in Juneau. All this and more came to a head on my birthday and several hard conversations later, I was ready to walk away from the band. But I had a good conversation with a band mate that made me willing to give it more time. He pointed out that all our relationships are intensified because we all live together and recommended I find a new place to live. He also took off some of the commitment pressure, stating that he realizes it's a big decision and wants me to take the time to really let the decision be true, rather than throwing away something that could be wonderful. I really respect this perspective, and am holding off on making any big decisions for a while. In the meantime, however, we had a FANTASTIC show this weekend, which made me fall for the band all over again. This was our biggest show of the year. We performed for a LISTENING audience of about 200 people and had a LOT of fun! This was a fund raising concert to put money towards our recording project in October, and it went really well. We played well and had a fantastic response. It was especially exciting for me because I had fun! I have been so tired and burnt out that playing has been laborious for me, but this show was a blast and brought back a lot of the joy that had been lacking. It was unspeakably refreshing to enjoy playing, music and my band mates again.
I think it was the dose of enjoyment I needed to keep pressing on. When it comes down to it, I really like these people and this music. Maybe this is a short term gig, but maybe this is just the first trial in a very good long term relationship. Everyone has always likened the commitment to this band like a marriage, and I find it fitting. The dating process is great, but filled with many bumps in the road and questions before one is ready to commit. I need to give this group that same grace and allow all of us to learn through these "bumps" in the road. Who knows where this all will go, but I don't want to throw away what could be a huge gift from Jesus. :) We'll see.
So, so, so, so, so much has happened since I last blogged. This summer is honestly turning into a whirlwind. Long work days, rehearsal, gigs and the occasional tid-bit of social life is leaving me a bit tired and worn. The up-side is I love everything I am doing, but I am running ragged. I guess one could say this last chunk of time has been a crash course in real life after the honeymoon period in Juneau. It's not that it's bad, it's just that the initial excitement of living in a new, beautiful place and doing all new things is wearing off. I've been lonely. I've missed my friends. I've had a desire for someone to know and appreciate my heart and passions. I want this place to feel like home, but it isn't yet--and nor could it be. I've only been here three months and haven't had time to develop many relationships outside of the band and work. Thankfully, I really like my band mates and co-workers, but I still long for the heartfelt communion of those who know you well and appreciate the small things in you. I realize this is a natural part of all transitions, so I'm not jumping ship or rotting away in despair--just acknowledging the natural absence of these things. All reading this must know: I am a very relational person and thrive off of deep conversation and transparent relationships. Life gets to be a bit drudgy when those aren't around...but I have confidence they will grow with time. It has been a good time of communion with the Lord around these things. He has reminded me that He is the one who can know me most intimately, better than I know myself. When my heart longs to be understood, He has been gracious to remind me to come to Him first. When I am lonely, He has been good to turn me to prayer so that I remember the constant communion available in Him. When I struggle with being single (big surprise, right?) He has reminded me of His sovereignty over my life, my heart and the future. When I struggle with relationships at home or at work, He reminds me to die to myself and serve those around me in love. All these things have a been huge lessons in His character and heart for my life. Every time I feel myself wanting to complain, the Holy Spirit reminds me of Jesus's life and how He felt lonely, misunderstood, used, unappreciated and abandoned far more than I ever could. Oh, to know Him and the power of His Resurrection, and may share in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death. This is not an easy calling, but it is the road of those who choose to follow. And not that it is shy of joy! In each of these areas He has brought much joy indeed. I am thankful that He has been so quick and clear to convict and show me how I can be more like Him. Goodness knows, I fail daily, but I thankful for the transforming work that is taking place.
I had a conversation with a friend last weekend that has stuck with me. We talked about the call to take scripture seriously and be willing to lead the radical life that it calls for. Those who have known me since my college days know that I once was SUPER crazy towards this direction, but now I approach it with a more balanced and earnest heart. I want to lead the kind of life that is truly transformed by what I read in scripture. I want to live a simple life that is full passion, love and sacrifice. When I was in Ethiopia, the thing that struck me most was how powerfully believers there believed and lived by scripture. If it was in the Bible, they believed it as Truth. We tend to explain things away with our "knowledge" and "cultural ways of thinking." Dang it, it is such a cop out. I don't want to be a fundamentalist Bible-thumper, but I do want to be a person who lives radically after the Truth I believe. I don't know what all that looks like, but it has been a good thing to ponder for a while. How easy it is to settle into complacency and forget that this world is not our home. How easy it is to want to fit in with those around us and to let go of the conviction that grips our heart. I know this complacency because I live there far too often, but I don't want to settle there. This Sunday's sermon was on Calvin and it stuck with me that Calvin only lived to be 55 years old. He only lived 29 years more than I, yet his life completely changed history. Our lives don't have to be that public or propel such historical change, but would they all be that filled with passion that God's glory can be seen boldly in them even if we don't live long on this earth.
The following song has been blasting on my ipod for the past couple weeks and I want to share the lyrics with you...
Lord, He thunders from heaven
and His voice can stop this world
He created the day and night
still He knit together this little girl
Oh, you could sing us a new song,
Oh, you could stand up and say
"Hallelujah! He loved me today!"
He gathers the sea to jars
and He calls the stars by name
clothes the flowers in every field
still He loves me just the same
Oh, you could sing us a new song!
Oh, you could stand up and say,
"Hallelujah! He loved me today!"
The earth trembles and mountains shake
and the wind can blow so strong
All of creation waits for the day
When you call Your children home
Oh, you could sing us a new song!
Oh, you could stand up and say
Hallelujah!! He loved me today!"
On a completely different note, these weeks have been great and busy. We have played SO many gigs and they have all gone really well. People in the community are really looking at us like we are about to take off. I have no idea what will come of this in the future, but it is pretty fun nonetheless. In an effort not to take up more of your precious reading time, I am going to resort to a bullet list to fill you in on all the things I have done in the past month. I love you all, thanks for reading.
*paul came to Juneau about a month ago--had a great, refreshing weekend with him--went on a great hike
*played a lot of gigs
*dad came to Juneau, went on good hikes, ate great food, went on a boat ride to Tracy Arm, went Halibut fishing with my friend Carl
*played a gig at Chapel By the Lake where people actually sat and listened to us (as apposed to being drunk and crashing into us...)
*4th of July was a party! Stayed at a HUGE house on Douglas island with a bunch of friends, watched the fireworks over the Gastineau Chanel, played three gigs over the course of the weekend and led worship Sunday AM, followed by a great boat ride where we plucked crabs and shrimps out of the sea to eat for dinner and jumped into the ocean to cool down (YES, the Alaskan ocean)
*This weekend had another gig (no way!) went to the end of a cheap wine party and dog-sat for a spastic chocolate lab who has more testosterone than any animal I have ever met. Finished up the weekend with a great game of ultimate with some campus crusade folks.
