of course i would pick tonight to revisit blogging...when i have three chapters of counseling textbook to read. i haven't written on this thing for over a year, and tonight i am compelled. this is NOT called procrastination--no sir.
this summer has been a whirl. i have played in, attended and stood up in so many weddings, i could honestly start my own wedding business. for the cost of friendship i can do your make up, style your hair, play all the music and be your maid of honor! one stop shopping! they have all been so wonderful, but i recently hit my max. i guess a single girl can only handle so many happy endings while hers remains unresolved. i am so happy for my friends, but they have entered into a stage of life in which i can not relate. i don't know how to talk about marital trials or sexual hold ups. ?? NO idea! talk with me about searching for identity or questioning your future, and i am right there!
this ushers in the big issues on my mind--who, what where and when am i?? last weekend all these things hit with great force, and i broke down. the uncertainty was maddening--and the pain of being alone unmanageable. the Lord brought in about 10 people to talk to over the course of 2 days, and each conversation was incredibly helpful. it wasn't until i talked with my good friend lindsey late saturday evening that the core was revealed. i was not content--and i was still angry at God for some past heartaches--so i was not able to trust Him. I could feel Him pushing at my heart saying "precious, be satisfied in what I have for you now, don't you know how I love you?", and yet i became frantic and continuously looking for a way out. "if i could just get away for a few months, things would make sense in the end. i just need a 'self-discovery' adventure, that's all" or "all i need to do is move to ____, and I will be happy". in His mercy he presented me with the devastating Truth-my peace will not be found in a location--it has to be made with Him--with Him in honesty, brokenness, humility, trust and restoration. when it's written out here in works-any bozo can see that believing anything else is foolishness, but where it has been living in my head for the past few years, it has been extremely convincing. who out there knows how hard it is too look at believers who love you and say, "no, i have not been praying for the past few years." or "no, i am not doing devotionals" or, "it is really hard for me to believe in God's goodness right now."? It is so good to be honest, but it heart wrenching-because those who know you best are pained by your actions. Thank you Jesus for last weekend and so many good friends being able to see me as I am--and lovingly point me in a better direction. Thank you that you revealed my sin--and brought freedom far before I was deserving of it. Thank you that that is the way you love me--not the way I love you that is full of indecision and flightiness--but with steadfast abandonment and selfless pursuit. Thank you that the nature of grace is that I will always be unworthy, and yet you want me back before I come. Please, give me grace to love You more.
