passing sincerities

As a cashier, I have the opportunity to cross paths with hundreds of people a day. Most of these interactions are quick and not memorable, but every once and a while I am given a quick personal glimpse into one of my customer's lives. This week, I was privileged with such a glimpse. A woman came through with tears in her eyes and as I greeted her she started apologizing for her emotion. "I'm sorry to cry in front of you, but I was just reminded of my husband. He died 8 years ago, but I adored him." Tears began to fall with greeter freedom as I stopped checking out her groceries and leaned forward to hear more. She continued, "I just spoke with a young woman who has just met a man. They are falling in love...she was picking out wine and cheese to take to him on a picnic. That's the kind of thing my husband would have loved." Tears continued..."It's been eight years, but I miss him so much. I have such wonderful memories." I was at a loss for words, but stammered, "It sounds like you had a remarkable relationship...how wonderful to have loved so deeply." By this time her grocery bags were packed, bill paid and she was moving towards the door but she turned one last time and smiled at me through thick tears, "I loved him so much. It's a shame I'm such an ugly crier." I laughed and thanked her for sharing, realizing that every person coming through my line is drenched in personal stories, yet it is rare that we let our guard down enough to share. This woman, though a complete stranger, let me into to her story, loss and grief. In that brief interaction I got to celebrate a rich love, grieve a deep loss and be encouraged by a rich marriage. How much more life is there to be lived if we took the opportunity to invite people into our stories, even strangers. I hope to love like this woman loved, and live in her sincerity, so to bring people into the depths of my life, even in quick, passing interactions.

Redemption in Grief

Good news! I'm learning things in seminary! Yipee! I don't know if I'm learning what I'm "supposed" to be learning...but I'm learning things nonetheless...

One of these boldest lessons came from my Intro to Counseling class last Thursday. The class was on grief, and it was pretty raw. As the professor spoke and classmates shared, I could sense all of my past griefs wanting to come out and say hello. My parent's divorce, the death of friends, friendships torn, family relationships changing, romantic hopes broken, health scares, bands breaking up...all things I have had to seriously grieve in their turn over the years. Each of these things took months to years of emotional energy, counseling and processing to work through and accept. But I realized through this lecture that there is a great gift in grief. Granted, this can only be claimed in retrospect--so don't any one dare tell someone who's grieving that it's a gift--that would be really stupid. But as I look back on these parts of my story, I can see how much I was changed, edified and made alive through each of these painful processes.

One author puts it this way. "I am convinced that most of us, most of the time, live in an anesthetized state. Our bodies may be functioning, but we feel nothing and are aware of nothing of great importance. We suffer from what someone has called 'the anesthesia of the familiar.' To grieve deeply and openly brings us into the recovery of life, where the anesthesia wears off and we see and feel and taste and touch life for the first time. It is the greatest paradox of life that we can truly come alive only after the arrows of death have pierced our hearts. The things I once took for granted, or passed without notice, are now the most immeasurable of treasures...If we have ears to hear, we discover that the cries of grief are at the same time the birth pangs of faith"

Through my limited experience, I find this to be true. My life has not been as hard as many, but I have grieved many things over the years, and I know it changed me. For better and worse grief makes you alive to things you had never before experienced, and it transforms you. There is a seasoning to a person that has been through a great loss that can not be mimicked. Character comes out of loss, pain and grief. It is absurdly painful, but it is these moments that make us the people we are.

Somehow I walked away from this lecture thankful for the grief I've experienced. This is not to say I am thankful my parents got divorced or that I had experienced broken relationships, but I am thankful for how those experiences have crucially changed me. Through these events I have been matured and given a perspective that can only be learned by experience. I am thankful that there is this much redemption in tragic loss. With time, joy replaces grief, and I think I will only fully understand that when I see Jesus face to face. But I do know I love now more deeply than I did before. I am more focused and balanced. I know myself better. I have a better capacity to care for others. I am more joyful. I can empathize with those who are experiencing great loss. Somehow grieving brought these changes in me, and I am thankful.

More than anything, I am ridiculously thankful for the perspective to be able to say that.

500 Days of Summer

I saw this movie recently, and for some reason it is sticking with me a long time. I loved it, cinematically, artistically and musically (great soundtrack) but something about it makes me uncomfortable. As I am passively watching it for a second time, I think it's because it is too real. Both of the main characters hit close to my heart, and it makes me want to hide my head in a pillow. I am much more comfortable watching a pointless, fluffy chick flick that I am something that challenges me at the core of my being. Shoot, why can't I just stay shallow?? Oh well.

For those of you who haven't seen it, 500 Days of Summer is a story about boy meets girl, but isn't a love story (I stole that from the opening line, don't tell...). A young romantic man is looking for love to make him happy, answer all his problems, seal his life dreams and make him feel alive (what girl can not identify with these sentiments?). He meets a young independent woman who does not believe in love, but has a vivacious take on life that is both compelling and attractive. As their relationships unfolds, the woman begins to believe in the reality of love (but not with this young man), while the man falls completely and hopelessly in love with this woman. It is not your typical ending, and to the romantic watcher (like me...) it leaves you with a sharp stab from reality. We don't always get what we want. What we hope for is not always what unfolds in reality, but often our view of what we want is limited by what we can see. I am becoming more and more convinced that what we see (and consequently think we want) is just a hint of what we desire. I have had so many friends who, once they met their spouse, said something along the lines of "I didn't even know to hope for this in a person, he/she is so much more that what I thought I wanted." So it seems we are often surprised when love finds us and our expectations are blown out of the water. The man in this movie wants the girl, and though that desire is painfully unfulfilled, better, unseen options are waiting to be found. The girl in this movie (though she is admittedly the one that I was angry with at the end), seems to have the better perspective and is able to say "no" to something that is good but not best. All this left me with the following smattering of unrelated thoughts:

Relationships are hard, especially the ones that don't end well.

Any interaction between two people is almost always interpreted two different (and sometimes opposite) ways.

Through the lens of infatuation our expectations can become completely and totally wacked (there is a great scene in the movie depicting this.)

Love is very real, but often comes from the most unexpected, unforeseen places.

Many people and relationships serve as learning ground as we are on the road to finding love. Without the relationship in this movie, the woman would never have come to believe in love, but through the relationship, the man's heart was demolished. Was it in vain? Not at all. Lessons learned, lives changed and love eventually increased, but not without the pain of loss. We are all integrally involved in one another's growth, development and walk towards love and sometimes we get hurt in the process, but it is not in vain. To say it from another perspective, we are all learning how to love, exploring our horizons of possibilities and gleaning lessons from those around us. Every relationship offers us a new, unique perspective, and we are most benefited when we are willing and open to receive these lessons.

Heading East!

This post is so over due it's ridiculous! I've traveled from Alaska to Spokane to Nor Cal to LA to London to LA and back and forth to Nor Cal a few more times. The past two months have been full, rich and wonderful. I loved being in Spokane and visiting friends who have become family. Time in Nor Cal is always fabulous and too short. London was amazing in so many ways. Finally, I am really glad I decided to stay in LA for November and December. It was a great time for me to reconnect with friends from high school, play music, enjoy sunshine, be with family for the holidays and work at Whole Foods. There were definitely moments of loneliness and I greatly miss being in community, but all in all it was a fantastic season. I am really thankful that Katie and Scott were "near" by and that I got to see them several times. They are wonderful and I will miss them a lot.

I took up a hobby while here in LA. Running. This is as much of a surprise to me as it might be to any of you, but it has be great! My mom has a group of running buddies that took me in and step by step I became a runner. WEIRD! In fact, I became enough of a runner that I am entered in a 1/2 Marathon. Weirder STILL! The race is this Sunday, and I am really excited! I am feeling relatively strong, ran 12 miles last week, and am ready to give it a go! The first time out, I am just going to be stoked to finish, so let's just hope I cross that finish line!

So yes! I am running the Phoenix 1/2 marathon...On my way to St Louis! Yup, you read right. My car is currently packed, loaded and ready to drive east to good ole St Louis. I have been admitted to Covenant Seminary and am starting this semester on a Masters and Religion and Culture. All the stories around this move are phenomenal. I originally applied in November, just to test the waters and see what was possible. From there, God swung the doors wide open. There were obstacles, and they were all surmounted. There was doubt, and God firmly calmed it. There was (and is) financial need, and God continues to provide every penny. I have never walked into a life change with this much confidence and assurance of His leading. Sometimes I laugh out loud when I think about how quickly this all happened. So much has changed over the last year, and God has brought me SO far. I am excited for this next step and can't wait to see what it all looks like!

Pray for safe running and driving. I'm driving from Phoenix to St Louis alone, and am hoping for good driving conditions.

If any of your journeys bring you to St Louis, please drop me a line! I'd love to see you!