dani! birthday! decisions!

The best way to describe this past week would be...bi-polar.
This week held some of the best moments of the summer, hand in hand with some of the worst.



On the high end, my good friend Dani came to visit me! Dani has been a close friend since Whitworth days, and always been one of the most intentional people in my life. To this day she is one of the only college friends who came down to LA to visit my family, and now is one of the only people who will make the million-dollar investment in a vacation to Juneau.



It was so good to have her here. We went on a good hike, ate some AMAZING blackened salmon, and had wonderful conversations. She got to see a One Aisle Over show and even went on a bike tour! Over the weekend we traveled to Skagway to visit Paul. The weekend included a wonderful hike, meeting many of Paul's friends, playing Settlers of Catan over red wine and chocolate, a 10 hour ride on the train, playing music, birthday dinner and birthday pancakes! All in all, not too shabby! I have heard so much about Skagway over the years from Paul, Lindsey and others that I was thrilled to put places and faces with stories and names. Skagway is a wonderfully charming city, and I FINALLY understand how it has captivated some of my close friends for several years.



For my birthday I woke up to my 27th year in Skagway! It was good to start the day with Dani and Paul. The rest of the day was not exactly fantastic, but it went on. It just happened that some mis-communications with the band came to a head on this day, and I spent a good chunk of the b-day in tears.



There is a bit of confusion right now as to how long my commitment will last with the band. They desire (and deserve) members of the band who are willing and able to give more than I am currently able to give, and this leaves us at a tense point. They want me to commit to the group for the long term, and a LOT of me wants to do this. But I get insecure about the future and the long haul. Do I want to commit to performing with this group for the next several years? Is that my heart for life? What about school? What about counseling? What about family? What about missions? How do these things fall into line with trying to play music full time? Is this a left turn from the Lord or a refining moment that might cause me to pursue my original plan with greater zeal? These and more questions all play a role in complicating my decision. On top of this, relationships in the band have been at times strained, which makes me less inclined to stay long term in Juneau. All this and more came to a head on my birthday and several hard conversations later, I was ready to walk away from the band. But I had a good conversation with a band mate that made me willing to give it more time. He pointed out that all our relationships are intensified because we all live together and recommended I find a new place to live. He also took off some of the commitment pressure, stating that he realizes it's a big decision and wants me to take the time to really let the decision be true, rather than throwing away something that could be wonderful. I really respect this perspective, and am holding off on making any big decisions for a while. In the meantime, however, we had a FANTASTIC show this weekend, which made me fall for the band all over again. This was our biggest show of the year. We performed for a LISTENING audience of about 200 people and had a LOT of fun! This was a fund raising concert to put money towards our recording project in October, and it went really well. We played well and had a fantastic response. It was especially exciting for me because I had fun! I have been so tired and burnt out that playing has been laborious for me, but this show was a blast and brought back a lot of the joy that had been lacking. It was unspeakably refreshing to enjoy playing, music and my band mates again.



I think it was the dose of enjoyment I needed to keep pressing on. When it comes down to it, I really like these people and this music. Maybe this is a short term gig, but maybe this is just the first trial in a very good long term relationship. Everyone has always likened the commitment to this band like a marriage, and I find it fitting. The dating process is great, but filled with many bumps in the road and questions before one is ready to commit. I need to give this group that same grace and allow all of us to learn through these "bumps" in the road. Who knows where this all will go, but I don't want to throw away what could be a huge gift from Jesus. :) We'll see.